Year 2015 is one of the most challenging yet the most fulfilling part of my 26 years of existence.
how you ask? well i have an OCD as long as i can remember, from the most ridiculous to the most annoying i must say like there will be times that i cant relax just because the place i’m in has a lot of cabinets that is not shut properly, the picture frame is a little bit on the left side well almost anything that is not in order, another is I always list and say out loud what i have to do, for example is when i go off from work what should i do at home? i would list it down in this order and say it verbally. it’s hard!
- Rest for 15mins
- Take a shower
- Read Manga
- Do this
- Do that
- and so on..
My husband then boyfriend used to tease me and tell me to just relax but i cant i will worry my brains out if not.
Then comes pregnancy. Pregnancy was a bliss! i was blooming! much more blooming than when i am not pregnant, anxiety was nowhere to be found i was so positive i almost forgot about it, even after giving birth to the light of my life. my son. i was okay! i thought i am anxiety free. but oh hell i was wrong.
3 months postpartum i felt like i am very sick, i googled symptoms, saw a sick person from a social media site and right then i had a panic attack, i thought i was going to die, thought i have a terminal illness, you name it, i have thought of it, i cant breath i feel miserable, i thought it was the end for me, i cried a lot because of fear that i am done for that i am going nuts because i am so scared and worry races through me, so i googled again the symptoms of PPD but it still did not match me. i am not sad, i’m not depressed, in fact i am perfectly happy with whats happening in my life, so why this? and no, i’ve never had any negative thoughts for my son who is the love of my life, and so is his father, its just wonderful how your heart can love two persons as much as your self. hehe! well back to the topic, i was just so scared that i am sick and i will not be able to take care of him greatly and that i am a bad mother for having this lots of worries for him and myself, i worry about him getting sick,i getting sick, him getting not enough milk, anything! those irrational thoughts are fighting in my mind, i also thought that my husband will leave me after seeing me so hopeless but he did not, he showed me his unrelenting support and love and so is my family that why i decided to get help and learned about Postpartum Anxiety.
I am now better, the road for the better is not easy, i had a lot of trips to the ER because of panic attacks and weird symptoms/pains but i am okay any test i had was okay, so yeah my body is a healthy heebeejeebee, i thought i was never going back to the old me but i did! though i still have my irrational worries and weird symptoms, i am still better, i am normally living, i just think of it as a challenge cause i thought it was the end of me but its not, its all about never ending hope for the better and a realistic view in life. if you are like me, do not be afraid, you are normal postpartum anxiety is normal you are not crazy! this is just our hormones getting wild and trust me, you will get there and remember that there will be bad days and there will be good days but do not let it fool you that you have a bad life, one bad day, week, month or even year does not mean it is the end for you, use it to lift your self up and never forget to pray. God will always help you no matter how deep of a worry you are in, and find a person who will never get tired listening to you. it helps! i am beyond grateful for what my husband and my family has done and is doing for me most specially to my wonderful Little W who gives the sweetest smile in the world that gives me the strength i need to go on.
now you ask
Do i still get worried? Yes. Do i still have panic attacks? of course. Do i still have irrational worries? Absolutely. I struggle at times but it will never knock me down, yes getting better is a process and i am far better than where i was 5 months ago, so you will too!